Writing with Gintama
by wooden cards
Summary: Featuring the characters of the Gintama cast, with each and every one of them bribed to write a story pertaining to different things about them or life in general. Yorozuya Trio!
1. Life Does Not Give You Lemons

Author's Note: Is this enough? After I write this Ketsuno Ana will marry me, right? That's what you promised, so keep your end of the deal!  
Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah. Gintama doesn't belong to me, it goes to the Gorilla. Except, it kind of belongs to me because it depends on **me** to run the show!  
Summary: The handsome and earnest Gin-san gives a deep and meaningful insight on life.  
Title: Life Does Not Give You Lemons, Take a Crap Damn It!

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As you can see from the title (if you can't, I won't even bother explaining it), this is a story about life. You ever heard of the famous quote about life? What was it again… "Life gives you lemons, so make lemonade out of it".

To hell with that.

It doesn't give you lemons at all! It throws shit at you like how those cursed monkeys throw their poop at me! Don't make it sound so easy! What happens when you give hope to a person who, after hearing that, is prepared to receive lemons in life and make lemonade? Oi, oi. Sir, they're not lemons. So what do you want to make now, poopade? Don't think by adding a 'ade' behind you'll get away with everything! It's not funny! Sometimes you get shit thrown at you all the time and it's not just limited to monkeys!

Because sometimes, you think you can trust the things someone says because they're close to you, but that's not the case! In fact, that's hardly the case! Those scums are great at getting close to you and taking advantage of your pure and innocent heart! Yeah, I'm talking about you Zura! You're the one who deserves to have poop thrown at them – I let you come and hide in my house and this is how you repay me?! By drinking my strawberry milk?

Go to hell you W-I-G! (*)

TO EVERYBODY WHO'S READING THIS, ZURA IS REALLY THE MOST DANGEROUS AND CUNNING BASTARD, DON'T BE FOOLED BY HIS LOOKS! HE SECRETLY SNIFFS ELIZABETH'S

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_Sakata Gintoki's essay ends here._

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PS. Look who's back. Yeah, it's the ever kind and pitiful Gin-san. I've calmed down a little more now and all I want to say is just. Don't trust lemons; don't trust life.

Ah, no more. I can't go on like this anymore. Strawberry milk's the only friend I have with me now. Gin-san will end this here because he's suffering from the aftermath of having his only companion stolen, along with his soul.

Everybody who's anticipating Gintama, there will be no more Gintama. Sunrise isn't going to animate Gintama anymore. They've become Sunfall, like how Gin-san's soul fell. It'll only be Gin from now on, because the soul is gone. (**) Your screen will be filled with a canvas filled with silver using the Paint program. I'm not Gin-san anymore, without my strawberry milk. I'll be nothing but an empty case of Gin.

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_There is an an advertisement taped to the essay._

Fighting to Replenish Strawberry Milk in Yorozuya

Join this meaningful campaign and prevent Strawberry milk from being stolen in Yorozuya. We fight for a good cause. This campaign helps to save a particular individual named Sakata Gintoki, who has recently lost his will and his soul. Please help the sugar-hungry child in Edo, all donations are welcome as long as they're sweet. (If it's not a sweet donation, please place them in the alley way beside Yorozuya so that the rubbish truck can come and collect the trash.)

Thank you for participating in a good cause, the silver soul will be resurrected slowly with your efforts.

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* This joke refers to how Zura actually means wig in Japanese, if I'm not mistaken.  
** Gintama = Silver Soul. Soul = tama, so with no soul there'll only be Gin (silver) left.  
***A campaign parody on campaigns that are usually put up to end Child Hunger.

AN: Hello! This is my new drabble series that will consist of essays written by the Gintama characters – they can talk about anything and everything! Of course, all of them were promised things if they wrote an essay which was what pushed them to do it (there's no guarantee that they got what they were promised, though).

The first essay is written by the main character of the show, Gintoki, of course! How did you find it? I do hope you had a good time laughing since this series will be comedy-centric. There will be no pairings here, though it's hinted if you squint. Let me know what you think! Any comments are appreciated. Till then!


	2. Gurake Hunter: Detective Chronicles

Author's Note: Lifetime supply of raw eggs on rice, yahoo!  
Disclaimer: It's mine, uh huh! Guratama!  
Summary: How do you read this? Skarmory? (*)  
Title: Gurake Hunter: Detective Chronicles (**)

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"It struck again…" I commented coolly. My fingers ran along the dried trail of blood that stained the wooden floorboards. The trail led to an empty spot where the corpse was supposed to be, but because the forensic science investigators wanted to bring it back for more checks, the body was removed and brought back to the research labs.

This was the eleventh victim.

Once again, the act was committed by the same person whom had killed the other ten people. It was obvious, from the way the victims always had a particular insignia carved onto them – a huge 'S'. That was when I knew that we were dealing with someone dangerous, and we couldn't allow that bastard to get away with whatever they did. But they would be no match for me, for I had been in this industry for the past twenty years, dedicating my life into digging out the truth. Whether it was an ugly truth or not, I'd still serve it in bare form.

My name is Gurake Hunter, and I am the guardian of unspoken truths, seeker of justice. Beneath my cold and aloof exterior, I have a thousand sins that are heavy on my shoulders, some sins departed from the killers I've apprehended in my line of work. Gurake Hunter is cursed to bear such heavy sins and truths, but he will prevail.

I reached for my pocket and start to light up. The solid flame of my lighter never wavers, much like my stone cold heart.

"Sir!" My glasses-wearing assistant runs to me, and I turned my head slightly to meet her panicked face.

"What is it, Shilia?" Shilia Marks has been my loyal assistant throughout my years as a detective, and she's a competent pair of glasses.

"This is bad! The corpse's been stolen!"

This is when my cool façade is taken down and I widen my eyes in response. Suddenly, the gears in my head shift into action and then I run towards the window, looking at the evil being that I've been chasing for months. Gurake Hunter has met his match, and will serve justice like he always does.

I'll bear more sins on this fragile body of mine, because I am Gurake Hunter, guardian of unspoken truths and protector of the ones he loves. And now that I've met my match, I feel my second personality awaken and I will solve this case, because I am...

Gurake Hunter, guardian of unspoken truths, seeker of justice.

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PS. Bwahaha the rest of you illiterates can bow in mercy in the face the Queen of Kabuki-cho and writing, Kagura!

PPS. Tanks for helpin me with editng my job Shitpachi

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_Editor Comments: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOI! WHAT SHITPACHI?! IT'S SHINPACHI! _

_SHINPACHI! GET MY NAME RIGHT IF YOU'RE GOING TO EVEN MENTION ME, KAGURA-CHAN! AND SHOULDN'T THAT BE 'WORK' AND NOT 'JOB'?! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT! DON'T PUT 'JOB' UP JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T REMEMBER HOW TO WRITE 'WORK'!_

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PPPS. By the way, Shitlia Marks dead

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_Editor Comments (2): KAGURA-CHAAAAAAAAAAN!_

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*Skarmory refers to a Pokemon. If you didn't know there's a Pokemon like that you probably don't have a childhood. (just kidding no really)  
**This story/essay is basically a parody of a game called Jake Hunter: Detective Chronicles. I was going to put up the Japanese name but I went against it. I played the game on the DS some time ago and it was really good. I recommend it for anyone who likes those mystery games.

AN: Yes I'm aware of the repetitive sentences throughout the essay, but that's because I realized how much Kagura likes to re-use lines that sound cool ever since Kaguura Jasuant. (lol)

Guess who's the 'S' killer? Ha ha ha. Laughs at myself because I will forever be a sick shipper. Hope you liked it! :)


	3. Life of Shimura Shinpachi

Author's Note: Thank you for taking your time to read this.  
Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama in any form.  
Summary: This is a brief introduction about me.  
Title: Life of Shimura Shinpachi

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My name is Shimura Shinpachi. I look just like your average person and I'm always told I've got a normal personality, but what the hell defines average here in Kabuki-cho? I'm always stuck with a bunch of weirdos that never make any sense! But I'll talk about them later and do my introduction first.

So, I currently live with my sister. She's a nice person, _when she's not trying to kill me_ no, really, she's really great. She didn't force me to write this because she's amazing. There's only the two of us – my father passed away when we were really young. Because of all that's happening, my sister works at a cabaret club to keep the family dojo running, and I do some work as well to help her repay debts. I work in a place named 'Yorozuya', which consists of two other people – an alien girl and a lazy samurai. I don't really know how but we just started to work together. Yorozuya does nothing most of the time thanks to 3/4 of it that consists of lazy people, but we do accept requests and side-jobs of any kind! Do drop in when you're free. I don't have that much pay but it's still something and it helps me to repay some debts.

Oh, I am the leader of a sacred club that handles serious matters. Yes, the leader of the Terakado Tsuu's Imperial Guards! Otsuu-chan really is perfect. She deserves so much love, it makes me so touched every time I hear her sing, it's like I really understand how she feels—

Hey, are you yawning?! Don't yawn! I'm not that boring, am I?

Ah, geez. Everyone loves Gin-san and Kagura-chan, right? I'll just talk about them instead. Gin-san is this good for nothing who sits around and reads JUMP and leaves me to clean up his nose waste every day. He has no spirit about anything other than Ketsuno Ana, and can he stop leaving his dirty laundry all over Yorozuya? Gin-san, if you're reading this, please remember to tidy up your room! I'm sick of tidying it for you. Then there is Kagura-chan – she's a few years younger than me but she has the mouth of a sailor. She eats a lot too, but never gets fat because she always takes Sadaharu out for walks. Sadaharu is this giant dog in our house, who is just as lazy as his owner. It makes me sick whenever I see his droppings. Wait, they're not droppings! They're way bigger than that.

I don't know how I got stuck with these two idiots, but I just can't seem to leave them alone. They really can't take care of themselves. Without me, they can't make illogical banters without it sounding logical. I mean, I'm the only sane one here! I'm not even going to talk about the crazy people outside of Yorozuya. Have you even seen our police? They're not doing their jobs at all! The chief is even a complete nutjob that has a thing for my sister! (Note: He will never be my brother-in-law.)

I spend every day with these crazy people, going on insane adventures that makes me laugh sometimes but want to cry most of the time. It's a heavy responsibility to be the straight man, and I feel like I'm going just as crazy as them. I won't give up and will continue to fight for my role!

… But, it might not be so bad being crazy sometimes. As long as I'm with them, it doesn't feel all that bad.

This is all there is about me. I hope I wasn't too boring – people say that I am a lot, I really try to be someone that stands out, so I can rank higher than 8th in character polls. Please continue to catch Gintama despite what rubbish Gin-san said in his letter. He's a spur-of-the-moment kind of person, please forgive him. Don't take away our timeslot, please!

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AN: It's out! Shinpachi needs so much love. I really like him and even though Gintama characters are special, he's ordinary. He's ordinary to the point where he stands out most amongst them – which is ironic considering how much he tries to be special. Anyway, I hope you liked it! This might have been a little dry since I couldn't find anything else to talk about for Shinpachi, but I hope you liked it!


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